Yep...That's me.

The day I was born. I guess I'm on a journy of self discovery. Again! I guess we all go threw that one time or another.

It's funny while I write this blog that the song Teardrop from Massive Attack is playing in the background. If you know this song you might have seen the video. It's simple but beautiful, of a baby featus in it's mother's belly. 

 When we are babies, we learn to comunicate at first by the different cries we express to our suroundings. The louder we are the more we need to be heard. 

I beleive it to be the same as we get older. We might not throw a tantrum or should I say if. But, the majority of us will get louder and almost scream to one another if we feel like no one is listening. Just take a look at rallies and protests. Look at politicians making speaches. If you don't have a microphone you gotta yell to let people hear you. Who hasen't heard a married couple fighting next door or a teenager crying and screaming about how life is so hard and everything is unfair to it's mother. We all do it. It's human nature. 

In my case... I am utterly ashamed of the number of times I have screamed and cried to get what I wanted. And I was not a child when I expressed myself in such a disturbing and tiring tantrum. I thought I was going crazy and was going to faint. My suroundings probably judged me harshly but not with malicious intentions. Like my episodes where out of my  control and despite me. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to be heard. 

As I got older it started to become a real problem. My emotions would take over the minute something would trigger me and it would ruin important relationships. My boyfriends would definitly leave me, and I lost so many friends. I felt so abandoned that I was determined to be the perfect girlfriend or friend that I would bend on my beliefs and morals to fit in and be loved.'' Please don't leave me!'' '' I will be everything you want and you can use and abuse me and my feelings.''

It's kind of pathetic. To let yourself go like that.

I did not know any other way to comunicate. I did not know how to be a ''normal'' human being. If that realy exists. 

It just got worst the older I got. I CRIED SO MUCH And the last boyfriend I had was the worst rollercoaster of emotions I could of had. They brought me to the emergency room at a mental institution. Yep. Isn't it super!

Well that emergency stop brought me to many doctors untill one said '' you have Borderline personality disorder.''

''What? Euhhhh... No I don't!!!'' Who wants to have a disorder that has such a negative reputation. No one does.

But after looking it up, I had that ''A-HA!'' moment when I finally saw the patterns and  repeated cycles of my behaviors threw out my life. Why was everything so difficul?. Why do I always fall into depression for countless days over something someone else would just brush off? Why would it be the end of the world and I'd go in full panic mode when something would give me anxiety. But the  best part of it is that I learned that I was NOT CRAZY and there are others like me.

1% to2% of the population has BPD and there are therapies that give you skills to manage your emotions. In all honesty after doing one that worked called DBT( dialectical behavior therapy), I truely beleive that everyone would benefit from it and it should be tought in schools to children. So they can be more prepared to confront difficult emotions and situations in their lives ,present and futur.

Today, I do feel a little wiser and safer when it comes to my emotions. Whait. I did not say I was pefect or healed. But I am more aware of my triggers. The ones that can make me spin into a deep distressful frantic state.

If you or somebody you know has the diagnostic of BPD, depression or anxiety. Please no it's not a death sentence. Even if we live in this scary world were at least know one person that died by suicide. It is a scary thought.

As long as I can remember, I had an emptiness inside . I would want to fill that void with my addictions. Love, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, food and whatever made me feel good even if it didn't last. That's the problem,it did not last. And I felt useless and unimportant. Even as a child I had suicidal ideations. 70 %  of the general population with BPD will attempt suicide at least once in there lifetime and 10% complete the act. ( taken from Understanding BPD on www.nyp.org ) 

That's why it is so important to seek help. It's hard cause most of us tends to stay in isolation in depression. But just opening up to someone. Anybody. There's no shame in doing so.

Buy listening threw out the noise. Understanding, having compassion and the capacity to accept or tolerate delay. trouble, Listening without getting angry ,upset and without prejudice. Patience goes a long way. It will incourage us tremendously.The person affected as well as the people inflicted. when you feel a powerfull emotion comming up and that  burning feeling in your body. Full of those butterflies in the gut and not the good kinds. And you feel those tears starting to fill your eyes making you're sight blurry. You're just about to burst into confrontation with others and your loved ones to whom it could get heavy. 

-Take a time out.

-Breath.

Do something that helps you calm down. Like video games, running, reading, a bubble bath, dancing like crazy on a song, watch your favorite movie. I like cartoons especialy anything Disney because there is always a happy ending. What ever can bring you to the present moment. And all you need to do is concentrate on that. Nothing else. Without even knowing it, your feeling better and calmer. And you din't ruin your day or anyone else's. What you did there is called mindfullness. But that will be for another blog. 

If you are in crissis or someone needs help don't hesitate to get informed or call a Help Line.    

# Suicide Crisis Helpline : Call or Text 9-8-8  (24/7)                        # https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder-

 #  https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/

 #  https://youtu.be/KJA53l91LSk?si=1QgIS1HUEBwmM7o-

*I would love to give my apreciation and gratitude to the people who stayed and accepted me threw the hard times in my life. Especially to my Family.  And to all of you who are in my groups on Facebook that continually inspire me. Thank You! STAY STRONG! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!